lifestyles of the rich & blasphemous.

The other night, I was hanging out in my cave watching Haus Hunters International, eating pizza, and drinking a frosty brew. You know, doing me to the most. The people on Haus Hunters were looking for a haus in some irrelevant place I never want stamping my passport anyway, so I changed the channel and got the news that you can now confess via iPhone. There is literally "an app for that". So I thought to myself [Carrie Bradshaw], just how bad are you? I mean... I always claim to be a scumbag, but I never really thought to list my accolades. Guys. GUYS. GUYS. I have some seriously questionable morals sometimes but upon further inspection I have done some really messed up things to people. Townspeople should be coming after me with pitchforks for some of the stunts I've pulled. I'm a monster. I'm an ogre. I'm a Khloe Kardashian. What if I died tomorrow? I'd feel so sorry for everyone waiting in line behind me "at the pearly gates" while I tried to justify my shenanigans. It was time for me to get serious about CONFESSIONS.



I am not religious, but I was "raised Catholic". Anyway, religion is boring and I don't really care one way or another, so it's a non issue. However, last year I kinda thought about confessing my sins~ I was in Italy yall, can you blame me? I don't wanna bust a Jamie Foxx and Blame It On the Alcohol but I'd literally been drinking nonstop since we departed LAX, I'd been gallivanting all over Europe actin a fool, and I was surrounded by gigantic cathedrals aka the Cadillacs of churches. I couldn't help it, guys. To quote the great poet Usher Raymond IV- I got "caught up".



It had been a really long time since I stepped foot in a church, so I was hoping I wouldn't get struck down or burst into flames. Once I was safely inside, I started scoping people out to see what they did. I felt like a Corleone! Shit got real. I thought about how happy my Mom would be to know I went to church. I decided to go all out. I lit a candle, put it on a table, and pretended to pray. I found a giant bowl of holy water, stuck my hands in there, and splashed them around for a sec. I was really feeling this whole Being Catholic thing, so I decided to buy a rosary. I collect rosaries, by the way. THOUGHT YALL KNEW. The church had a gift shop inside so as I made my way over there, I came across the most amazing confession booth I have ever laid eyes on. I was gonna leave my hooligan lifestyle behind. I was gonna be a new ME. It was time to repent!



I thought about how great it would be to wipe my slate clean but the thing about confessing is I hate being put on blast, you know? I am essentially being put on the spot by the Priest to spill all the details of my greatest hits. What if he made me recite a prayer or something? I was new to the game! I mean I had my phone, but international roaming is crazy expensive so it's not like I could google the prayers or whatever. Apparently, my (filthy) soul is dry clean only and I couldn't afford to be lavish anymore. I thought about my choices. We were hitting up Prague the next day to do a pub crawl. Why spend precious beer money confessing TODAY if I was gonna wild out the next night, anyway? What was the point? I know Jesus is an excellent host since he wants me to drink wine and eat wheat thins at his haus and all, but the exchange rate really wasn't favorable at all! So, being the heathen that I am, I put my sunglasses on and bounced.

Fast forward 10 months later, and I guess Jesus tried to come correct and join us in the 21st century. Surprisingly (eye roll), the Vatican announced they weren't cool with this app and that you still had to come to church like people in the last millenium did. Plus, the app is $2, and as my friend pointed out- "That's two tall cans!". Glad I have the wisdom of my friends to put shit in perspective. It's just too bad I've decided to keep those trifling debacles to myself, they were juicy! Until next time...

cancers 4 dummies.

Today I am gonna tell yall about the best sign in the entire Zodiac: mine. For those of you don't know my birthday [crickets], I am a Cancer. I feel sorry for people whose sign is like, Taurus, cause I mean... I don't even KNOW where a Taurus fits in the Zodiac. I don't think I have ever met anyone who was a Taurus. Do they even exist? What are their traits? Does anyone even care?



Cancers are notoriously moody. We can't help it! To quote Monsters, Inc.-- "We scare because we care." We are emotional as hell but rarely show it, we'd rather take our battitude elsewhere and ignore you. We are sulky and brooding by nature. Don't get frustrated! We are fiercely loyal, so we will never hurt you. Just be patient, cause we are totally worth it. Sound complicated? Duh. Most astrology websites don't even make sense when it comes to filling you in on zodiac signs. That's why you need an expert (me) to give you a hand.



Belle Delinquant's Guide to CANCERS!

You'll be navigating your way through our mood swings in no time! Any sailor knows that the sea can change instantly with a fierce storm or waves that can flip your boat right over. If you do all the prep work to prepare and don’t panic, you can survive the worst of storms. That's how the cookie crumbles with the Cancer Woman! Dead men tell no tales?



They say:
"Cancer is the home and family lover of the zodiac. Fundamentally home-loving by nature, Cancers appreciate the security of a nest in which to retire when the stresses of life become too much to bear."

Translation:
We are homebodies. Can we hang out at your house?



They say:
"Cancerians are very intuitive, almost to the point of being psychic. They are able to spot even the smallest change in another's behaviour, so it is hard to deceive them. They are very insightful and most have a photographic memory. The combination of these two skills plus their excellent observation skills makes them very aware of the ulterior motives of others."

Translation:
Don't you dare try to pull a fast one on us. We can read you like the backs of our hands! We can spot a fraud from a mile away. We may not show it, but we have our eye on you and we will call you out on your shenanigans if you get out of line.



They say:
"A Cancer woman will never make the first moves in a relationship; she only knows how to move backwards or sideways. This is because of two reasons, her shyness and her fear of being rejected."

Translation:
Have you ever seen a crab walk? Me neither, but according to Google they only move backwards and sideways. This is because we really hate rejection, so we will never be upfront about our feelings...ever. We approach the things we want in an indirect way. You have to be the one to figure it out.



They say:
"Many Cancers have an interest in the ancient past as well as their own pasts. They indulge in nostalgia, which makes them good historians. Paradoxically combining a love of travel with a deep need for security, Cancers surround themselves with sentimental objects from their past, including souvenirs, hand-me-downs and keepsakes. Cancerians are remarkably good at accumulating things."

Translation:
We are Hoarders. We attach sentimental value to everything and we will refuse to throw it out. We love stuff!




They say:
"This sensitive sign needs to retreat into its shell somewhere safe from the rest of the world. They are so much like a real crab – hard on the outside and super soft on the inside. You won’t know you’ve hurt them because you’ll think it’s bounced off their shell – it didn’t. They absorb everything and forget nothing, they just won’t tell you."

Translation:
Don't be an asshole, cause we are resentful like you wouldn't believe and we really will hold it against you... FOREVER.



They say:
"Cancers are romantic idealists. If you want fairy tales, you need a crab. Only a Cancer can make it happen for you! Most crabs give love freely without expecting much (of course, learning to handle their extreme sensitivity is the toughest task to overcome). The persistent flaw in their relationships is their inability to open up and their tendency to withdraw into themselves. As much as this sign loves to nurture, tend, and care for others, they hate to be vulnerable. They resist this with all their might until they just can’t resist any more. It’s the paradox of Cancer. Once they do fall for you, it’s over. Despite the fact they tend to push you away more than pull you in sometimes, their claws have dug in deep. They just can’t risk being vulnerable until they know they have a solid grip on you."

Translation:
We are total creeps. We love love. Nothing makes us happier than showering our mate with attention. We love to baby others but we have a tendency to overdo it. Woops. Regardless, we are hopeless romantics! Hearts for eyes, indeed. Just don't break our hearts, jerks.

valentine's day [reputation] massacre.

Lately, I've been glued to the Hallmark Channel because they play 2-hour blocks of the Golden Girls. As much as I love tuning in to see Blanche's shenanigans, this post is actually about the pesky little heart on the bottom left corner of my TV screen reminding me that Valentine's Day is only 11 days away.


I know I am probably breaking Girl Code, but I have a confession: I really hate Valentine's Day. I'm not a bitter loser-- I have never actually been dateless on Valentine's Day and this year is no exception, but to me it's really a day to talk about how much I love my friends. I have no idea what it's like to be at home crying into a pint of ice cream while the entire world gets laid- I can't relate. Maybe I am just blasé because it's something that has become so routine it's not even exciting anymore, like how I always take a guy I'm seeing to Fern's in Long Beach or on a Disneyland date. To quote Ursula from the Little Mermaid, "That's what I do- it's what I live for."

Don't get me wrong, I'm a mondo hopeless romantic. I love love, sincerely. It's just that I find this tired ass "holiday" so dumb! Valentine's Day only mattered in Elementary school, anyway. It's when your got your Mom to buy the corniest cards for all those kids you hated in your class. Your teacher gave everyone cupcakes while you sat around exchanging valentines. You spent the entire day eating candy, making hearts out of construction paper, and peeling glue off of your hands. Those were the days! In middle school, countless cholos turned to their little sister's Precious Moments coloring books and Art Laboe's Dedicated to You radio broadcast for inspiration. The day was spent handing out awkwardly traced Precious Moments drawings with things like "I'm Your Puppet" scrawled across the top in Old English handwriting. You'd catch a scam (or two) and call it a day. High School, ugh. Now that's when it became obnoxious. Every guy woke up extra early to make sure their outfit was fresh, doused themselves with Drakkard Noir, and went on a search to find the most gigantic teddy bear in existence. Carson High was inexplicably obsessed with those dumb ass Teddy/Candy Grams, so every single class was interrupted to hand out hordes of ugly stuffed animals and chocolate boxes to squealing douche bags. I was always too cool for that kind of stuff, and I forbid my then boyfriend to ever humiliate me with one of those.




I hate whoever came up with "Single Awareness Day". That's the dumbest thing I have ever heard in my entire life. Stop feeling sorry for yourself, it's probably the reason you are alone to begin with. Oh, and please don't throw a Pity Singles Party with all of your depressed friends, it's so pathetic. Who told yall this would be a good idea? Regina George? It's only as big a deal as you make it. No reason to be sad cause you're lonely like Akon. The truth is, being single is rad.



If you really wanna show me you care, plan a romantic Valentine's Day evening for us at your haus! I'm not hard to please at all. Make me dinner, buy me a 40, play all of my favorite Luther Vandross songs...the possibilities really are endless. Save your money! You're gonna need it for my birthday (when it really matters).

mad about you.

Anybody who is anybody knows I love Mad Men. After plenty of eye rolls and "That show is so boring" comments, it seems like last season people suddenly had a change of heart and now they LOVE it. Typical! Can't say I'm surprised, though ;)

I love the storyline, I love the music, and of course I love the wardrobe. Everything about this show is great! It makes me want to drink, smoke, and have affairs... all before lunch time. You know, business as usual. Let's be real, though. I'm forever hanging out at the shallow end of the pool, so I'm gonna present yall with a list of my top 3 boyfriends on the show.

#3- Don Draper


The obvious choice! Everybody thinks he is hot, duh. He lived in San Pedro for a while, which is where I've wanted to live since I was a kid. His hair is always on point, he looks like he smells good, AND his entire ensemble is always put together. You know he doesn't discriminate when it comes to the ladies, either. What's not to love? It's like shooting fish in a barrel (whatever that means). Shoulda been me in Rome with him instead of sorry ass Betty, but I digress.



#2- Roger Sterling


I know he is old, but Roger seriously has it going on. It's no secret that I like guys with ugly ass attitudes, so we'd be a perfect match. We have tons of things in common! We both think Joan is hot, we don't give a shit about offending anyone, and we both live our lives "like [we're] on shore leave". He's the ultimate hedonist, too. He has zero regard for anybody and he doesn't even bother remembering people's names. He is so dismissive! He is hilarious, though. Plus he is rich. Truly a match made in heaven.



#1- Paul Kinsey


Paul Kinsey is my baby. If this were real life, I'd be dating Paul. Seriously. My best friend says I always go for "ugly" guys, but I prefer the term Unconventional Looking. Don is too high maintenance for me and I'd probably outlive Roger, so Paul wins this round. He is from Jersey, loves Sci-Fi, and spends most of his time BS-ing at work. I love his sweet baby face, Orson Welles beard and all. He is kind of a pretentious jerk via listening to jazz while wearing a mohair sweater and smoking out of a pipe. He's so pompous that he is PERFECT. I mean, hello? We are obviously soul mates. He is one of those Creative Types, as well. He stole a typewriter from work! I mean, I'm fine with breaking the law if it's in the name of the Arts. I have to say that he stole my heart when he did that Rod Serling impersonation, though. Sigh. Boys that love the Twilight Zone get infinity points from me. Now if only he would come back! Just my luck.


I would also like to add that Pete Campbell's trifling ass didn't make the list, but he would have if I'd based my list on the actor who plays him, Vince Kartheiser. He is so funny on the DVD commentary! I was literally "LOL", not an easy feat considering I am a grinch and avoid smiling/laughing as much as possible. This is due to my general apathy/disdain for others and because it causes wrinkles. Just kidding! Anyway, I'll leave you all with a word of advice. Whenever you find yourself hating your life, remember:

"When God closes a door, he opens a dress."
-Roger Sterling

seaside rendez-brew.

I know it's only January, but before you know it, you'll realize it's already June and SUMMER HAS ARRIVED. People with no grasp on reality will flood your Facebook wall with posts about Hitting The Gym Hard and Watching What They Eat because Summer Is Here. The worst part? Light beer aplenty. I mean really. Luckily for you, we (me) here at BD are gonna tell you how to go about getting that beach body you've always dreamed of without having to sacrifice the nectar of the gods. Nutrition? Who needs it? When has eating ever helped anyone, anyway? Exactly.



It's pretty simple, actually. There is food in beer, so beer IS food. I know liquid diets are "unhealthy" and are usually frowned upon, but don't worry... that is just what jealous people say. Those poor unfortunate souls! In pain. In need. They are also the ones that spread vicious lies like "Beer makes you fat" and "Beauty is only skin deep". The only thing these people are spiking their Haterade with is Malibu Coconut Rum. Why are you friends, again?

Moving on... here are the guidelines. It's 2011, nobody cares about the OLD food guide pyramid. The future is here! It's not really a diet, it's a way of life. Want a six pack via a six pack? Thought so. Let's start from the bottom up or as I like to say... BOTTOMS UP! ;)

Belle Delinquant's Guide to the Modern Beer Belly



Bread, Grain, Cereal and Pasta (6-11 servings)

Pyramid Haywire Hefeweizen.

It's a typical American wheat beer, and I love it. It is simple, it is smooth, and it has pyramids on it which totally reminds me of Cleopatra. Once upon a time, I was @ the Pilsner Urquell beer museum in the Czech Republic and it was confirmed to me that weissbier (wheat beer for all you non germans) is liquid bread, so it's obviously true. The museum told me so.

Fruits and Vegetables (3-5 servings)

Dogfish Head Festina Peche.

Dogfish Head can do no wrong as far as I'm concerned. This is the absolute best peach beer ever brewed on Earth. Nothing like cracking open one of these bad boys to beat the heat. It is light and just a teeny bit tart, but it is delicious! Your copycat friends can drink all those shitty Bud Light Cheladas.

Beans, Eggs, Lean Meat and Fish (2-3 servings)

Flying Fish Exit 1 Bayshore Oyster Stout.

I am not a fan of marine life. If it swims, I don't eat it. Everyone knows this, these are just facts. Imagine my surprise when I was hanging out with a friend and he pulled these out of his fridge. I hate oysters! But I do love a good stout. I know my math isn't that great, but I'm pretty sure this meant I had a 50% chance of loving it. I did.

Dairy Products (2-3 servings)

Milk is so gross! I'm not even gonna bother with this one, so here is a cat drinking Guinness.



Fats and Sweets (use sparingly)

Leinenkugel's Sunset Wheat.

Not really my style, but as someone with virtually no sweet tooth this is where I will group this. It tastes just like Fruity Pebbles, not even kidding! The pyramid says to use this group "sparingly" and I guess that means do it if you must but don't make it a habit. Kind of like wearing flats instead of heels.

No cheating! See ya'll at the Beach!

situation nation.

Happy New Year, ya'll. 2011 is here, aren't you excited? Me neither. While everyone else is busy gearing up to Better Themselves via New Year's Resolutions, I am really just stoked for January 6th. Instead of wasting my time while some asshole bogarts the elliptical at the gym, I'm gonna be lying on my giant bed with the memory foam mattress watching my favorite show on earth... Jersey Shore!


If you think I'm gonna make up some sort of excuse to justify my love for the Shore, you are totally wrong. I have NO SHAME. I even own this shit on DVD, bro. I am serious. Ya'll have no idea how great this show is. Upon further inspection of the situation (hehe), I realized the reason I am so drawn to this show is because I can totally relate. They totally get me. It's like Art is Imitating Life. It's making my head explode, for example:

My Nutrition (via it not existing)



My Difficult Name (via always have to repeat it)



My Love Life (via lack of communication)



Can't wait! If you wanna get drunk (I shore do), you can also feel free to have an MVP Approved JS Drinking Game. This isn't really for you lightweights, though. Ready for the rules, champ? Take a shot of Ron Ron Juice every time:

• there is a shot of Snooki in her slippers
  
• Sammi says "legit"
  
• the Sitch doesn't end up sealing the deal
  
• Pauly D says something adorable
  
• Ronnie does his Chris Farley laugh
  
• J Woww adjusts herself
  
• you confuse Vinny with his Mom
  

As a special bonus, CHUG whenever they are shown completing the GTL trifecta.

Bottoms up, Bitches!

you can stand under my umbrella (but only if you hold it)

There is something amiss in Southern California! It has been raining for the past 2 days and I have had it! I'm supposed to be spending my days rollerblading down the boardwalk at the beach, blasting "California Girls" on my iPod, and overdosing on sunlight. Au contraire, mon frere! My mom started referring to my bedroom as "Dracula's Girlfriend's Room" via my new heavy curtains that make the Outside World (looking out of the window) a thing of the past. Imagine my horror when I checked the weather this morning (online):


h8 u

Someone is out to get me. That someone is Mother Nature (jealous). I'm part time goth, so while I enjoy gloomy weather in general, there is one thing I hate with a passion: RAIN!


the only "rain" i like

How can anybody really enjoy this stuff? It is seriously Clashing With My Lifestyle. I mean, a little rain now and then is okay, but when did I move to Seattle? I am so tired of the rain hating on me.



For the past two days I have had to give my flat iron a break and wear my hair CURLY.


my true self

I can't wear heels in the rain via slipping and losing teeth (not chic). The forecast says it will be raining for the next FOUR DAYS. I don't own rain-appropriate footwear cause it is ugly and it isn't supposed to rain here, ever. ugh I'm not a meteorologist. I am not a Doppler 7000. I am not Dallas Raines. Please don't force me to buy some of these:


fate worse than death

I have no business Braving The Weather. I don't want to do something mundane like hold an umbrella. The only thing I ever want to hold is my purse, my cell phone, or a drink. Where is Fonzworth Bentley when I really need him? I am in distress. 911, yall. Plz send help.



I can't party if I have ugly hair and have to wear closed-toe flat shoes and hold an umbrella. Nobody will recognize me. My life will be over. Why is life so unfair? I am this close to making a deal with God or the Devil (whichever listens to me first) to put an END to this.


we hardly knew ye