valentine's day [reputation] massacre.

Lately, I've been glued to the Hallmark Channel because they play 2-hour blocks of the Golden Girls. As much as I love tuning in to see Blanche's shenanigans, this post is actually about the pesky little heart on the bottom left corner of my TV screen reminding me that Valentine's Day is only 11 days away.


I know I am probably breaking Girl Code, but I have a confession: I really hate Valentine's Day. I'm not a bitter loser-- I have never actually been dateless on Valentine's Day and this year is no exception, but to me it's really a day to talk about how much I love my friends. I have no idea what it's like to be at home crying into a pint of ice cream while the entire world gets laid- I can't relate. Maybe I am just blasé because it's something that has become so routine it's not even exciting anymore, like how I always take a guy I'm seeing to Fern's in Long Beach or on a Disneyland date. To quote Ursula from the Little Mermaid, "That's what I do- it's what I live for."

Don't get me wrong, I'm a mondo hopeless romantic. I love love, sincerely. It's just that I find this tired ass "holiday" so dumb! Valentine's Day only mattered in Elementary school, anyway. It's when your got your Mom to buy the corniest cards for all those kids you hated in your class. Your teacher gave everyone cupcakes while you sat around exchanging valentines. You spent the entire day eating candy, making hearts out of construction paper, and peeling glue off of your hands. Those were the days! In middle school, countless cholos turned to their little sister's Precious Moments coloring books and Art Laboe's Dedicated to You radio broadcast for inspiration. The day was spent handing out awkwardly traced Precious Moments drawings with things like "I'm Your Puppet" scrawled across the top in Old English handwriting. You'd catch a scam (or two) and call it a day. High School, ugh. Now that's when it became obnoxious. Every guy woke up extra early to make sure their outfit was fresh, doused themselves with Drakkard Noir, and went on a search to find the most gigantic teddy bear in existence. Carson High was inexplicably obsessed with those dumb ass Teddy/Candy Grams, so every single class was interrupted to hand out hordes of ugly stuffed animals and chocolate boxes to squealing douche bags. I was always too cool for that kind of stuff, and I forbid my then boyfriend to ever humiliate me with one of those.




I hate whoever came up with "Single Awareness Day". That's the dumbest thing I have ever heard in my entire life. Stop feeling sorry for yourself, it's probably the reason you are alone to begin with. Oh, and please don't throw a Pity Singles Party with all of your depressed friends, it's so pathetic. Who told yall this would be a good idea? Regina George? It's only as big a deal as you make it. No reason to be sad cause you're lonely like Akon. The truth is, being single is rad.



If you really wanna show me you care, plan a romantic Valentine's Day evening for us at your haus! I'm not hard to please at all. Make me dinner, buy me a 40, play all of my favorite Luther Vandross songs...the possibilities really are endless. Save your money! You're gonna need it for my birthday (when it really matters).