Guys, I have to tell you all about one of the most exhausting and frightening weeks of my entire life TO DATE. I don't know how, and I don't know why... but last week I was missing out on catching crucial Z's via being caught in Insomnia's DEATHGRIP. It was a really trying time for me, as I enjoy the little things in life such as sleeping whenever I feel like it, laying in bed all day, and generally being the Mayor of Memory Foam Town.
It's no secret that life is always spitting on me, but this time it got me where it really hurt. Gone were the nights full of dreams that paled in comparison to my real life. Gone was the continued use of an obsolete alarm clock. Gone was any semblance of being a normal American girl. Sit back while I spin a terrifying tale about being the Only One Awake.
I have had sleeping problems for quite some time now, but it was usually only in the fall right around Daylight Savings Time. My sleeping woes were quickly solved when the time "fell back", so I never thought too much of it. I joked about it all the time and announced myself as the founder of the Never Sleep Club. Then things took a turn for the WORSE.
the scene of the crime
It started out innocently enough. I'd started staying up a little later than usual. An hour here, two hours there. I was fine with it, as that's what is expected of an Artist such as myself. I got to draw and write more. I was being productive! It kinda legitimized my hedonistic lifestyle. Like, of course I'm awake while everyone else is asleep. I'm an Artist, a non-conformist, a bon vivant. All I do is drink coffee, paint, and pay no mind to the constraints of TIME, maaaaan.
I loved it! My book was coming together, my walls were filling with new pieces, and my sketchbooks were filled to the gills. But my happiness was not to be. Suddenly, I stopped getting sleepy altogether. What was once a liberating experience quickly trapped me in it's disorienting web of despair!
i wanted to sleep *this* much
Before I knew it, the days were flying by and I was in a lucid state. Night and day became one and the same. I didn't know what was real anymore! I wondered if I'd ever sleep again. My usual breathtaking appearance was still breathtaking-- except this time I was making people scream in terror. Just like Kevin McAllister when he found his brother's girlfriend's picture--I was eliciting a very "Buzz, your girlfriend...woof!" reaction. I started to look like an overzealous extra in Michael Jackson's thriller video. Like, way to stay in character, you know?
I vowed that if I ever ran into Mr. Sandman, I'd punch him in the fucking face. Talk about slacking off on the job! I didn't know who to turn to, as it seemed like the entire planet was ASLEEP. I soon found myself pale and alone, surrounded by Nutri Grain wrappers, with only the harsh light emanating from television infomercials to keep me company. I was starting to feel left out. It was like that episode of the Simpsons where they start a No Homer's Club... and I was the world's Homer. I was at my wit's end!
Just as I was about to break down, salvation arrived. All of a sudden, I became super sleepy. Like, my sleepiness was trapped at the airport in Paris and had experienced some flight delays on it's way back to LAX, but it had finally made it home. It burst through my bedroom doors, threw it's LV luggage aside, and breathlessly explained everything. Now it seems like it is trying to overcompensate, so I find myself fighting sleep whenever it strikes at a bad time, ie in the middle of the afternoon when I'm picking up my new shoes at the mall. So there it is, guys. Easy as that. When I grew weary of looking, I was found. It was a wild ride, but I made it!
Sweet Dreams!
I have really done it this time. Like I mentioned in the previous entry, I vowed to "stay grounded" but sorta like Pringles- once you pop, you can't stop. For the record, I don't even "pop" nasty ass Pringles to begin with, but that's the only analogy I could think of. After "crunching some numbers", I went ahead and booked some flights. Yes, plural. I should just go ahead and "let the cat out of the bag"-- I AM CARMEN SAN DIEGO. Did you seriously think I was a commonplace brunette that happened to look great in red and loved to travel?
I can't help but feel a little embarrassed when I tell my buddies where I'm headed next. I'm sure a lot of it has to do with the fact that I technically don't have a job (but that's another post entirely). Like, for some reason people think I am Prince Ali, FABULOUS HE, Ali Ababwa when in reality, I'm totally a Pre-Genie Aladdin with nothing but a cute purple vest and a killer smile to my name. I am a street rat, now and forever. Regardless of my tax bracket, I've kind of got this traveling thing down to a science. No need to be that person who doesn't "know the ropes". I am here to share 5 valuable tips!
Belle Delinquant's Guide to Traveling!
1. BRING YOUR ENTIRE LIFE WITH YOU...
... because the term "traveling lightly" shouldn't have a place in your lexicon. I'm a creature of habit, I have to bring everything with me. I need to have options! I figure the only people who actually travel lightly are hippies, and like... I hate to break it to you, but I'm not some rich kid from Berkeley. I am a notorious overpacker! Oh welllll. I always seem to forget something important, too. I actually forgot to pack shoes once. SHOES! Ridiculous. I'm one of those assholes who would probably forget to pack their head if it weren't attached.
2. BUY A CHEAP TICKET...
... and charm your way into a better seat! Channel your inner Jack Dawson. Maybe you will find your very own Molly Brown (flight attendant) who will help you leave those losers in steerage behind. On my trip back from New York, I was bumped up to FIRST CLASS! I sat next to Frodo himself, Elijah Wood. Too bad I was asleep the entire time and didn't notice til the end. Why pay for the good seats when you can cheat the system? Up the punx!
3. ALWAYS GET THE WINDOW SEAT
...but never actually look outside. Be serious! Nobody will ever believe you if/when you see a man on the wing, I promise. Assuming you don't get upgraded, you're as good as gold if you have a window seat. You have more space to nap, you won't be bothered with seatmates trying to use the restroom every 5 seconds, and you always get your drink/food first. It's perfect! The only thing that can ruin this is if you are sitting near a crying ass baby, and if that's the case remember that it could always be worse-- you could have been seated in the middle! Worst seat of all, like you should just CANCEL your tickets status.
4. BE YOUR OWN ENTERTAINMENT...
... and pretend to be someone else. This is ONLY for a flight, don't be a fucking weirdo sociopath by doing it anywhere else. I usually fly alone, so I don't have anyone to really talk to. There is only so much my electronics, the inflight entertainment, or the Sky Mall catalog can do. Sometimes you want to make small talk with your neighbors. If you are lucky, they are cool. Good seatmates are the best! Especially when they make sure you are never left out when the drinks come around. Unfortunately, sometimes you sit next to a major Creepius Maximus which is where you gotta get all CATCH ME IF YOU CAN. It can range from the tiny (faking your name) to the gigantic (an entire made up story). In one extreme case, I had to pretend to be a non-English speaking tourist. It sucks when you are clearly trying to listen to the playlist on your iPod that you carefully crafted before boarding, but fucking Kimmy Gibbler over in 37B refuses to get the hint.
5. ALWAYS FRESHEN UP BEFORE YOU LAND...
... cause looking haggard is no way to start a holiday. About a half hour before you land, be sure to sneak away and get it together. This is especially true on long flights. Recycled air is awful and you don't wanna show up with your face so dry it looks like Pride Rock. Not a good look! To quote P. Diddy, you need to "moisturize your situation"! Do it before you land, cause the airport restrooms will be a mad haus!
Remember to have fun, take lots of pics, and flirt with the hot guy at Customs on your way back. ;)
You're welcome!
the scene of the crime
i wanted to sleep *this* much
