I can't help but feel a little embarrassed when I tell my buddies where I'm headed next. I'm sure a lot of it has to do with the fact that I technically don't have a job (but that's another post entirely). Like, for some reason people think I am Prince Ali, FABULOUS HE, Ali Ababwa when in reality, I'm totally a Pre-Genie Aladdin with nothing but a cute purple vest and a killer smile to my name. I am a street rat, now and forever. Regardless of my tax bracket, I've kind of got this traveling thing down to a science. No need to be that person who doesn't "know the ropes". I am here to share 5 valuable tips!
Belle Delinquant's Guide to Traveling!
1. BRING YOUR ENTIRE LIFE WITH YOU...
... because the term "traveling lightly" shouldn't have a place in your lexicon. I'm a creature of habit, I have to bring everything with me. I need to have options! I figure the only people who actually travel lightly are hippies, and like... I hate to break it to you, but I'm not some rich kid from Berkeley. I am a notorious overpacker! Oh welllll. I always seem to forget something important, too. I actually forgot to pack shoes once. SHOES! Ridiculous. I'm one of those assholes who would probably forget to pack their head if it weren't attached.
2. BUY A CHEAP TICKET...
... and charm your way into a better seat! Channel your inner Jack Dawson. Maybe you will find your very own Molly Brown (flight attendant) who will help you leave those losers in steerage behind. On my trip back from New York, I was bumped up to FIRST CLASS! I sat next to Frodo himself, Elijah Wood. Too bad I was asleep the entire time and didn't notice til the end. Why pay for the good seats when you can cheat the system? Up the punx!
3. ALWAYS GET THE WINDOW SEAT
...but never actually look outside. Be serious! Nobody will ever believe you if/when you see a man on the wing, I promise. Assuming you don't get upgraded, you're as good as gold if you have a window seat. You have more space to nap, you won't be bothered with seatmates trying to use the restroom every 5 seconds, and you always get your drink/food first. It's perfect! The only thing that can ruin this is if you are sitting near a crying ass baby, and if that's the case remember that it could always be worse-- you could have been seated in the middle! Worst seat of all, like you should just CANCEL your tickets status.
4. BE YOUR OWN ENTERTAINMENT...
... and pretend to be someone else. This is ONLY for a flight, don't be a fucking weirdo sociopath by doing it anywhere else. I usually fly alone, so I don't have anyone to really talk to. There is only so much my electronics, the inflight entertainment, or the Sky Mall catalog can do. Sometimes you want to make small talk with your neighbors. If you are lucky, they are cool. Good seatmates are the best! Especially when they make sure you are never left out when the drinks come around. Unfortunately, sometimes you sit next to a major Creepius Maximus which is where you gotta get all CATCH ME IF YOU CAN. It can range from the tiny (faking your name) to the gigantic (an entire made up story). In one extreme case, I had to pretend to be a non-English speaking tourist. It sucks when you are clearly trying to listen to the playlist on your iPod that you carefully crafted before boarding, but fucking Kimmy Gibbler over in 37B refuses to get the hint.
5. ALWAYS FRESHEN UP BEFORE YOU LAND...
... cause looking haggard is no way to start a holiday. About a half hour before you land, be sure to sneak away and get it together. This is especially true on long flights. Recycled air is awful and you don't wanna show up with your face so dry it looks like Pride Rock. Not a good look! To quote P. Diddy, you need to "moisturize your situation"! Do it before you land, cause the airport restrooms will be a mad haus!
Remember to have fun, take lots of pics, and flirt with the hot guy at Customs on your way back. ;)
You're welcome!
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