orange juice, whiskey, and a whole lotta twinkies.

There comes a day in every girl's life when she realizes that her Knight in Shining Armor is really a Scrub in Nickel Plated Silver. Sooner or later That Girl will be YOU. You told yourself that if you treated him right, he'd be with you forever. WELL GUESS WHAT? NOTHING LASTS FOREVER. Well, except for diamonds... and diamonds would never break up with you. Suddenly, going to Disneyland isn't fun anymore cause all of these asshole couples are being stupid (via holding hands), making out (get a room), and wearing wedding ears (hate yall).


stupidest place on earth


They say "time heals all wounds" but They never said what to do in the meantime. Well, a wise person once said "Help is on the way!" and okay, that person may or may not be Mrs. Doubtfire, but regardless! Help is here! I present to you the

Belle Delinquant Break Up Guide!

In this photo are all of the things you need to participate:


(broken heart, 12 pack of Guinness, bleak outlook on life)

1. Take your makeup off
Because the only thing uglier than a face without makeup is a face with SMEARED makeup (see step 3)

2. Drink entire 12 pack of Guinness
You'll thank me later. Let's not overdo it, though. One (1) 12 pack is enough. If you still feel, replace Guinness with Rum and (diet)Coke (you want to get drunk, not fat). Repeat until you are numb, and then proceed.

3. Play all of your songs.
Yeah, you know exactly what I mean. Hey, don't give me that look! I'm the expert. Play the song that reminds you of you guys' first date, the song that played as you had your first kiss, and the songs you always listened to cause his lazy ass never rotated the CDs in his car. You'll turn into a crying/drunken mess and you will totally realize how much your NEW FRIENDS (via iTunes) know about Your Situation. I mean, Frankie Lymon was totally right (why DO fools fall in love? tell me whyyyyy!). You'll tearfully agree with Neil Sedaka in between sobs (breaking up IS hard to do!). You will start to look like Forever Alone as you sing along with the Everly Brothers (bye bye, love! bye bye, happiness! oh god, hello, loneliness). The point is to allow you to wallow in your misery for a little while. That way you won't feel like your iPod is out to get you later on when it (rudely) decides to play the "Belle & Beau Delinquant's Greatest Hits" playlist.

4. Hit the town with your friends
Because, honestly, there are only so many times you can really play "Everybody Hurts" by REM without wanting to jump off a cliff. Plan a fun night out with your friends! Don't be an asshole and say "a frown" when they ask you what you will be wearing. Put on your big girl shoes (heels), make yourself presentable, and go out for dancing & drinks. Cue a montage of you having a great time while "Girls Just Wanna Fun" plays in the background. Life is fun again! You'll feel shitty when you get home but how you feel RIGHT NOW is what matters... keep busy! Go thrift shopping, write a blog (cough), or have a Mad Men night with your bff... anything to cheer you up! Eventually the good times will outnumber the bad. Plus, nobody with a heartbeat ever gets tired of hearing "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun".

5. Don't get gross
I know "the club can't even handle [you] right now". Really, I do. You are getting tons of attention and it's making you feel like you're on top of the world. DO NOT LISTEN TO USHER! Don't even think about how much you want to "make love in this club". You're supposed to be building up your self-esteem, not turning into a dirtbag. You'll only feel worse about yourself later. The only void you should be trying to fill is the number of heels you own. I know people say the best way of getting over someone is getting under someone else but that's kinda crude and ugly and y'all truly deserve better.

6. Build a bridge
Get over it! At this point, you should be able to let it go. Accept that it's over! When you are really ready to move forward, jump into the dating pool. Before long, someone totally hot will be sexting you at work and your ex-beau will be but a distant memory. I mean, maybe he'll see you at a movie (sneak preview). You'll show up and walk by on the arm of your new guy. And he'll smile! And you'll wave! And guess what? Everything will actually be okay! Go on and give your perfect new beau a kiss... but not in front of your ex, have some decorum! That is so desperate. Give yourself a pat on the back! Look how far you've come! You're the king of the world! WOOOOOOO!

the vice is right.

Some people have an addictive personality, and by "some people" I mean me. Don't get me wrong, I'm not gonna be on Intervention any time soon. I have a lot of junk but I won't be on Hoarders just yet. I have a different type of addiction: game shows! Specifically, The Price is Right.



What's not to love, honestly? I forgot this show existed up until the other day when I couldn't find my remote control. I was instantly taken back to those days when I would pretend to be sick so I could stay home from school. Summer vacations? Bob Barker was always there to have breakfast with me.

Now, I know there is nothing cool about game shows. At all. Really. But if loving TPIR is wrong, I don't wanna be right. Sometimes, I imagine turning into the mom in Requiem For a Dream. Visions of being cracked out wearing a red dress and shouting "ONE DOLLAR!" dance through my head. But then, like clockwork, it's 10 o'clock and the theme comes on. Now, the host is Drew Carey who everyone thinks is a bad replacement but I love him. He doesn't hide his emotions when people bid stupid amounts. If I were hosting, they'd be in big trouble.

Still, I can't help but get excited when people in their novelty t-shirts flip their shit when they get called down to Contestant's Row. It's like looking into the face of AMERICA. and god, America is just divine. Yeah sometimes the prize is something dumb like a living room furniture set. I mean, who even needs furniture, am I right? Whatevz. But sometimes, SOMETIMES, they pull back the curtain to reveal "A NEW CAAAR" and everyone goes wild. It's so awesome! Personally, I have a Fear of Drivers so a car is useless to me. I really get excited when they win trips. Domestic traveling is lame, so I never get excited about trips to like, Florida. I mean, what's there to do in Florida, anyway? Snooooze. I go crazy when they win a trip to Morocco! Ireland! EGYPT! It's like they just spun a globe and picked any place. I would start to do the Worm if I won, srsly.

Anyway, for those of you not familiar with the show, the contestants go on to guess the prices on things like TVs and lawn furniture. Easy enough, right? They then go on to play a mini game for a bigger prize like A NEW CAAAR or a Jetski or something crazy. They make you guess the price of shit like Kleenex, cat food, and mustard. I don't know where they get these crazy prices or these random ass items but it's still fun to guess along. I love when they win, but I love when they lose even more. I know, I know. But I always either hate a contestant or love them. Nothing is more satisfying than seeing the douche who overbid the previous person's amount by $1 lose. BITCH MOVE! and instant justice. Every time they play those "losing" horns a little piece of my soul breaks off and flutters to Heaven's Gate.

The Price is Right Losing Horns sound clip  The Price is Right - Losing Horn - sound clips

After this they spin the wheel and go to the Showcase Showdown which is the best part of it all. Some people are so clueless it almost hurts. Nothing cheers me up more than seeing someone who is truly excited to be there win it all. It's such a great way to start the morning! They also have themed episodes which is right up my alley. They aired a Halloween themed episode the other day and they were all dressed up as characters from the Wizard of Oz! So great.




My boyfriend got us tickets to the show the other day, so prepare to see me on TPIR in the not too distant future. I will be the one in a corny ass shirt, raven mane, and red lips doing the worm as I make my way to the front. Yes, I will freak the fuck out when the prize is a trip to Switzerland. And yes, I will lose it all because I don't know how much hair gel costs (what is this, Jersey Shore?)

Come on down!