orange juice, whiskey, and a whole lotta twinkies.

There comes a day in every girl's life when she realizes that her Knight in Shining Armor is really a Scrub in Nickel Plated Silver. Sooner or later That Girl will be YOU. You told yourself that if you treated him right, he'd be with you forever. WELL GUESS WHAT? NOTHING LASTS FOREVER. Well, except for diamonds... and diamonds would never break up with you. Suddenly, going to Disneyland isn't fun anymore cause all of these asshole couples are being stupid (via holding hands), making out (get a room), and wearing wedding ears (hate yall).


stupidest place on earth


They say "time heals all wounds" but They never said what to do in the meantime. Well, a wise person once said "Help is on the way!" and okay, that person may or may not be Mrs. Doubtfire, but regardless! Help is here! I present to you the

Belle Delinquant Break Up Guide!

In this photo are all of the things you need to participate:


(broken heart, 12 pack of Guinness, bleak outlook on life)

1. Take your makeup off
Because the only thing uglier than a face without makeup is a face with SMEARED makeup (see step 3)

2. Drink entire 12 pack of Guinness
You'll thank me later. Let's not overdo it, though. One (1) 12 pack is enough. If you still feel, replace Guinness with Rum and (diet)Coke (you want to get drunk, not fat). Repeat until you are numb, and then proceed.

3. Play all of your songs.
Yeah, you know exactly what I mean. Hey, don't give me that look! I'm the expert. Play the song that reminds you of you guys' first date, the song that played as you had your first kiss, and the songs you always listened to cause his lazy ass never rotated the CDs in his car. You'll turn into a crying/drunken mess and you will totally realize how much your NEW FRIENDS (via iTunes) know about Your Situation. I mean, Frankie Lymon was totally right (why DO fools fall in love? tell me whyyyyy!). You'll tearfully agree with Neil Sedaka in between sobs (breaking up IS hard to do!). You will start to look like Forever Alone as you sing along with the Everly Brothers (bye bye, love! bye bye, happiness! oh god, hello, loneliness). The point is to allow you to wallow in your misery for a little while. That way you won't feel like your iPod is out to get you later on when it (rudely) decides to play the "Belle & Beau Delinquant's Greatest Hits" playlist.

4. Hit the town with your friends
Because, honestly, there are only so many times you can really play "Everybody Hurts" by REM without wanting to jump off a cliff. Plan a fun night out with your friends! Don't be an asshole and say "a frown" when they ask you what you will be wearing. Put on your big girl shoes (heels), make yourself presentable, and go out for dancing & drinks. Cue a montage of you having a great time while "Girls Just Wanna Fun" plays in the background. Life is fun again! You'll feel shitty when you get home but how you feel RIGHT NOW is what matters... keep busy! Go thrift shopping, write a blog (cough), or have a Mad Men night with your bff... anything to cheer you up! Eventually the good times will outnumber the bad. Plus, nobody with a heartbeat ever gets tired of hearing "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun".

5. Don't get gross
I know "the club can't even handle [you] right now". Really, I do. You are getting tons of attention and it's making you feel like you're on top of the world. DO NOT LISTEN TO USHER! Don't even think about how much you want to "make love in this club". You're supposed to be building up your self-esteem, not turning into a dirtbag. You'll only feel worse about yourself later. The only void you should be trying to fill is the number of heels you own. I know people say the best way of getting over someone is getting under someone else but that's kinda crude and ugly and y'all truly deserve better.

6. Build a bridge
Get over it! At this point, you should be able to let it go. Accept that it's over! When you are really ready to move forward, jump into the dating pool. Before long, someone totally hot will be sexting you at work and your ex-beau will be but a distant memory. I mean, maybe he'll see you at a movie (sneak preview). You'll show up and walk by on the arm of your new guy. And he'll smile! And you'll wave! And guess what? Everything will actually be okay! Go on and give your perfect new beau a kiss... but not in front of your ex, have some decorum! That is so desperate. Give yourself a pat on the back! Look how far you've come! You're the king of the world! WOOOOOOO!