the escape artist.

I have really done it this time. Like I mentioned in the previous entry, I vowed to "stay grounded" but sorta like Pringles- once you pop, you can't stop. For the record, I don't even "pop" nasty ass Pringles to begin with, but that's the only analogy I could think of. After "crunching some numbers", I went ahead and booked some flights. Yes, plural. I should just go ahead and "let the cat out of the bag"-- I AM CARMEN SAN DIEGO. Did you seriously think I was a commonplace brunette that happened to look great in red and loved to travel?



I can't help but feel a little embarrassed when I tell my buddies where I'm headed next. I'm sure a lot of it has to do with the fact that I technically don't have a job (but that's another post entirely). Like, for some reason people think I am Prince Ali, FABULOUS HE, Ali Ababwa when in reality, I'm totally a Pre-Genie Aladdin with nothing but a cute purple vest and a killer smile to my name. I am a street rat, now and forever. Regardless of my tax bracket, I've kind of got this traveling thing down to a science. No need to be that person who doesn't "know the ropes". I am here to share 5 valuable tips!

Belle Delinquant's Guide to Traveling!




1. BRING YOUR ENTIRE LIFE WITH YOU...



... because the term "traveling lightly" shouldn't have a place in your lexicon. I'm a creature of habit, I have to bring everything with me. I need to have options! I figure the only people who actually travel lightly are hippies, and like... I hate to break it to you, but I'm not some rich kid from Berkeley. I am a notorious overpacker! Oh welllll. I always seem to forget something important, too. I actually forgot to pack shoes once. SHOES! Ridiculous. I'm one of those assholes who would probably forget to pack their head if it weren't attached.



2. BUY A CHEAP TICKET...



... and charm your way into a better seat! Channel your inner Jack Dawson. Maybe you will find your very own Molly Brown (flight attendant) who will help you leave those losers in steerage behind. On my trip back from New York, I was bumped up to FIRST CLASS! I sat next to Frodo himself, Elijah Wood. Too bad I was asleep the entire time and didn't notice til the end. Why pay for the good seats when you can cheat the system? Up the punx!



3. ALWAYS GET THE WINDOW SEAT



...but never actually look outside. Be serious! Nobody will ever believe you if/when you see a man on the wing, I promise. Assuming you don't get upgraded, you're as good as gold if you have a window seat. You have more space to nap, you won't be bothered with seatmates trying to use the restroom every 5 seconds, and you always get your drink/food first. It's perfect! The only thing that can ruin this is if you are sitting near a crying ass baby, and if that's the case remember that it could always be worse-- you could have been seated in the middle! Worst seat of all, like you should just CANCEL your tickets status.



4. BE YOUR OWN ENTERTAINMENT...



... and pretend to be someone else. This is ONLY for a flight, don't be a fucking weirdo sociopath by doing it anywhere else. I usually fly alone, so I don't have anyone to really talk to. There is only so much my electronics, the inflight entertainment, or the Sky Mall catalog can do. Sometimes you want to make small talk with your neighbors. If you are lucky, they are cool. Good seatmates are the best! Especially when they make sure you are never left out when the drinks come around. Unfortunately, sometimes you sit next to a major Creepius Maximus which is where you gotta get all CATCH ME IF YOU CAN. It can range from the tiny (faking your name) to the gigantic (an entire made up story). In one extreme case, I had to pretend to be a non-English speaking tourist. It sucks when you are clearly trying to listen to the playlist on your iPod that you carefully crafted before boarding, but fucking Kimmy Gibbler over in 37B refuses to get the hint.



5. ALWAYS FRESHEN UP BEFORE YOU LAND...



... cause looking haggard is no way to start a holiday. About a half hour before you land, be sure to sneak away and get it together. This is especially true on long flights. Recycled air is awful and you don't wanna show up with your face so dry it looks like Pride Rock. Not a good look! To quote P. Diddy, you need to "moisturize your situation"! Do it before you land, cause the airport restrooms will be a mad haus!


Remember to have fun, take lots of pics, and flirt with the hot guy at Customs on your way back. ;)



You're welcome!

cancers 4 dummies.

Today I am gonna tell yall about the best sign in the entire Zodiac: mine. For those of you don't know my birthday [crickets], I am a Cancer. I feel sorry for people whose sign is like, Taurus, cause I mean... I don't even KNOW where a Taurus fits in the Zodiac. I don't think I have ever met anyone who was a Taurus. Do they even exist? What are their traits? Does anyone even care?



Cancers are notoriously moody. We can't help it! To quote Monsters, Inc.-- "We scare because we care." We are emotional as hell but rarely show it, we'd rather take our battitude elsewhere and ignore you. We are sulky and brooding by nature. Don't get frustrated! We are fiercely loyal, so we will never hurt you. Just be patient, cause we are totally worth it. Sound complicated? Duh. Most astrology websites don't even make sense when it comes to filling you in on zodiac signs. That's why you need an expert (me) to give you a hand.



Belle Delinquant's Guide to CANCERS!

You'll be navigating your way through our mood swings in no time! Any sailor knows that the sea can change instantly with a fierce storm or waves that can flip your boat right over. If you do all the prep work to prepare and don’t panic, you can survive the worst of storms. That's how the cookie crumbles with the Cancer Woman! Dead men tell no tales?



They say:
"Cancer is the home and family lover of the zodiac. Fundamentally home-loving by nature, Cancers appreciate the security of a nest in which to retire when the stresses of life become too much to bear."

Translation:
We are homebodies. Can we hang out at your house?



They say:
"Cancerians are very intuitive, almost to the point of being psychic. They are able to spot even the smallest change in another's behaviour, so it is hard to deceive them. They are very insightful and most have a photographic memory. The combination of these two skills plus their excellent observation skills makes them very aware of the ulterior motives of others."

Translation:
Don't you dare try to pull a fast one on us. We can read you like the backs of our hands! We can spot a fraud from a mile away. We may not show it, but we have our eye on you and we will call you out on your shenanigans if you get out of line.



They say:
"A Cancer woman will never make the first moves in a relationship; she only knows how to move backwards or sideways. This is because of two reasons, her shyness and her fear of being rejected."

Translation:
Have you ever seen a crab walk? Me neither, but according to Google they only move backwards and sideways. This is because we really hate rejection, so we will never be upfront about our feelings...ever. We approach the things we want in an indirect way. You have to be the one to figure it out.



They say:
"Many Cancers have an interest in the ancient past as well as their own pasts. They indulge in nostalgia, which makes them good historians. Paradoxically combining a love of travel with a deep need for security, Cancers surround themselves with sentimental objects from their past, including souvenirs, hand-me-downs and keepsakes. Cancerians are remarkably good at accumulating things."

Translation:
We are Hoarders. We attach sentimental value to everything and we will refuse to throw it out. We love stuff!




They say:
"This sensitive sign needs to retreat into its shell somewhere safe from the rest of the world. They are so much like a real crab – hard on the outside and super soft on the inside. You won’t know you’ve hurt them because you’ll think it’s bounced off their shell – it didn’t. They absorb everything and forget nothing, they just won’t tell you."

Translation:
Don't be an asshole, cause we are resentful like you wouldn't believe and we really will hold it against you... FOREVER.



They say:
"Cancers are romantic idealists. If you want fairy tales, you need a crab. Only a Cancer can make it happen for you! Most crabs give love freely without expecting much (of course, learning to handle their extreme sensitivity is the toughest task to overcome). The persistent flaw in their relationships is their inability to open up and their tendency to withdraw into themselves. As much as this sign loves to nurture, tend, and care for others, they hate to be vulnerable. They resist this with all their might until they just can’t resist any more. It’s the paradox of Cancer. Once they do fall for you, it’s over. Despite the fact they tend to push you away more than pull you in sometimes, their claws have dug in deep. They just can’t risk being vulnerable until they know they have a solid grip on you."

Translation:
We are total creeps. We love love. Nothing makes us happier than showering our mate with attention. We love to baby others but we have a tendency to overdo it. Woops. Regardless, we are hopeless romantics! Hearts for eyes, indeed. Just don't break our hearts, jerks.

seaside rendez-brew.

I know it's only January, but before you know it, you'll realize it's already June and SUMMER HAS ARRIVED. People with no grasp on reality will flood your Facebook wall with posts about Hitting The Gym Hard and Watching What They Eat because Summer Is Here. The worst part? Light beer aplenty. I mean really. Luckily for you, we (me) here at BD are gonna tell you how to go about getting that beach body you've always dreamed of without having to sacrifice the nectar of the gods. Nutrition? Who needs it? When has eating ever helped anyone, anyway? Exactly.



It's pretty simple, actually. There is food in beer, so beer IS food. I know liquid diets are "unhealthy" and are usually frowned upon, but don't worry... that is just what jealous people say. Those poor unfortunate souls! In pain. In need. They are also the ones that spread vicious lies like "Beer makes you fat" and "Beauty is only skin deep". The only thing these people are spiking their Haterade with is Malibu Coconut Rum. Why are you friends, again?

Moving on... here are the guidelines. It's 2011, nobody cares about the OLD food guide pyramid. The future is here! It's not really a diet, it's a way of life. Want a six pack via a six pack? Thought so. Let's start from the bottom up or as I like to say... BOTTOMS UP! ;)

Belle Delinquant's Guide to the Modern Beer Belly



Bread, Grain, Cereal and Pasta (6-11 servings)

Pyramid Haywire Hefeweizen.

It's a typical American wheat beer, and I love it. It is simple, it is smooth, and it has pyramids on it which totally reminds me of Cleopatra. Once upon a time, I was @ the Pilsner Urquell beer museum in the Czech Republic and it was confirmed to me that weissbier (wheat beer for all you non germans) is liquid bread, so it's obviously true. The museum told me so.

Fruits and Vegetables (3-5 servings)

Dogfish Head Festina Peche.

Dogfish Head can do no wrong as far as I'm concerned. This is the absolute best peach beer ever brewed on Earth. Nothing like cracking open one of these bad boys to beat the heat. It is light and just a teeny bit tart, but it is delicious! Your copycat friends can drink all those shitty Bud Light Cheladas.

Beans, Eggs, Lean Meat and Fish (2-3 servings)

Flying Fish Exit 1 Bayshore Oyster Stout.

I am not a fan of marine life. If it swims, I don't eat it. Everyone knows this, these are just facts. Imagine my surprise when I was hanging out with a friend and he pulled these out of his fridge. I hate oysters! But I do love a good stout. I know my math isn't that great, but I'm pretty sure this meant I had a 50% chance of loving it. I did.

Dairy Products (2-3 servings)

Milk is so gross! I'm not even gonna bother with this one, so here is a cat drinking Guinness.



Fats and Sweets (use sparingly)

Leinenkugel's Sunset Wheat.

Not really my style, but as someone with virtually no sweet tooth this is where I will group this. It tastes just like Fruity Pebbles, not even kidding! The pyramid says to use this group "sparingly" and I guess that means do it if you must but don't make it a habit. Kind of like wearing flats instead of heels.

No cheating! See ya'll at the Beach!

orange juice, whiskey, and a whole lotta twinkies.

There comes a day in every girl's life when she realizes that her Knight in Shining Armor is really a Scrub in Nickel Plated Silver. Sooner or later That Girl will be YOU. You told yourself that if you treated him right, he'd be with you forever. WELL GUESS WHAT? NOTHING LASTS FOREVER. Well, except for diamonds... and diamonds would never break up with you. Suddenly, going to Disneyland isn't fun anymore cause all of these asshole couples are being stupid (via holding hands), making out (get a room), and wearing wedding ears (hate yall).


stupidest place on earth


They say "time heals all wounds" but They never said what to do in the meantime. Well, a wise person once said "Help is on the way!" and okay, that person may or may not be Mrs. Doubtfire, but regardless! Help is here! I present to you the

Belle Delinquant Break Up Guide!

In this photo are all of the things you need to participate:


(broken heart, 12 pack of Guinness, bleak outlook on life)

1. Take your makeup off
Because the only thing uglier than a face without makeup is a face with SMEARED makeup (see step 3)

2. Drink entire 12 pack of Guinness
You'll thank me later. Let's not overdo it, though. One (1) 12 pack is enough. If you still feel, replace Guinness with Rum and (diet)Coke (you want to get drunk, not fat). Repeat until you are numb, and then proceed.

3. Play all of your songs.
Yeah, you know exactly what I mean. Hey, don't give me that look! I'm the expert. Play the song that reminds you of you guys' first date, the song that played as you had your first kiss, and the songs you always listened to cause his lazy ass never rotated the CDs in his car. You'll turn into a crying/drunken mess and you will totally realize how much your NEW FRIENDS (via iTunes) know about Your Situation. I mean, Frankie Lymon was totally right (why DO fools fall in love? tell me whyyyyy!). You'll tearfully agree with Neil Sedaka in between sobs (breaking up IS hard to do!). You will start to look like Forever Alone as you sing along with the Everly Brothers (bye bye, love! bye bye, happiness! oh god, hello, loneliness). The point is to allow you to wallow in your misery for a little while. That way you won't feel like your iPod is out to get you later on when it (rudely) decides to play the "Belle & Beau Delinquant's Greatest Hits" playlist.

4. Hit the town with your friends
Because, honestly, there are only so many times you can really play "Everybody Hurts" by REM without wanting to jump off a cliff. Plan a fun night out with your friends! Don't be an asshole and say "a frown" when they ask you what you will be wearing. Put on your big girl shoes (heels), make yourself presentable, and go out for dancing & drinks. Cue a montage of you having a great time while "Girls Just Wanna Fun" plays in the background. Life is fun again! You'll feel shitty when you get home but how you feel RIGHT NOW is what matters... keep busy! Go thrift shopping, write a blog (cough), or have a Mad Men night with your bff... anything to cheer you up! Eventually the good times will outnumber the bad. Plus, nobody with a heartbeat ever gets tired of hearing "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun".

5. Don't get gross
I know "the club can't even handle [you] right now". Really, I do. You are getting tons of attention and it's making you feel like you're on top of the world. DO NOT LISTEN TO USHER! Don't even think about how much you want to "make love in this club". You're supposed to be building up your self-esteem, not turning into a dirtbag. You'll only feel worse about yourself later. The only void you should be trying to fill is the number of heels you own. I know people say the best way of getting over someone is getting under someone else but that's kinda crude and ugly and y'all truly deserve better.

6. Build a bridge
Get over it! At this point, you should be able to let it go. Accept that it's over! When you are really ready to move forward, jump into the dating pool. Before long, someone totally hot will be sexting you at work and your ex-beau will be but a distant memory. I mean, maybe he'll see you at a movie (sneak preview). You'll show up and walk by on the arm of your new guy. And he'll smile! And you'll wave! And guess what? Everything will actually be okay! Go on and give your perfect new beau a kiss... but not in front of your ex, have some decorum! That is so desperate. Give yourself a pat on the back! Look how far you've come! You're the king of the world! WOOOOOOO!

what's in a mane?

It has happened to all of us. One night, while a full moon is out and a heavy fog rolls down your street, you grow so bored you find yourself reaching for the scissors. "How bad can I mess my hair up?" you ask yourself. Idle hands are truly the devil's playground! Next thing you know, you look like a Cynthia doll.



UGH! You find yourself cursing those useless Scientists wasting their time on Dumb Stuff and not focusing on more Important Things like a time machine. If only you could go from Urkel to Stephan! Life is just so unfair. Stupid scissors. Well have no fear! You could always play crazy and just buzz it off like B.Spears running around beating on cars til your hair grows out. You could throw on a fabulously fake wig like my fave lush, Kim Zolciak, and walk around with a wineglass in your paws. If neither option works for you, you can be like me and just OWN it. I call it the I Don't Give a Fuck look. Some call this confidence, whatever. I like my term better. Maybe this comes from my days of being a DIY hooligan. Why spend money on a haircut when you could totally score a rad dress at the Salvation Army instead?

Sometimes I ended up with a great haircut. Blue birds would pick out my clothes for me! People would stop me in street! Babies would smile at me! But most of the time I'd end up with an atrocious 'do that was too short, too uneven, too awful. Throw in those bright colors and you'd take that mess to the next level! But I, always the Cool Guy, would just laugh it off. "It's just hair!" I'd exclaim, rolling my eyes. It worked! There was that time when the power went out while my hair was covered in bleach/aluminum foil and I finished by candlelight. There was that time when I decided I needed flamingo pink hair and went from black to pink overnight, bleaching my hair 5 times. There was that time I tried to play colorist and mixed blue and red dyes, thinking I'd get the perfect purple and ended up looking like a Troll doll with gray hair.

Every time this type of stuff happened I just shrugged it off by saying "It's just hair!" til I finally started to believe it. There are more important things to fret over. Cut your bangs too short? Wear a headband. Bad dye job? Wear a hat. Shitty haircut overall? Say it was a dare. It's not the end of the world. Own it! Now where are those scissors?