tales of a fourth grade nothing.

There is one thing I love more than anything in the world. It's a 4 letter word that begins with the letter B! It helps me wind down after a stressful day, it takes me away to a better place, and it allows me to meet people I never thought I would. Can you guess what it is? Alright, assholes... I know I'm an alcoholic, but the word I am thinking of is BOOK!



I know it's hard to grasp the concept of someone being both a total genius and being so cool it should be illegal. Well, there's a first time for everything. The future is here! I am a total bookworm. Always have been, always will be. I even had my heart set on being a Librarian... until my Mom decided I should reconsider via being "too pretty to be hiding behind piles of dusty old books all day". Truth!



While most kids were still eating their boogers and learning the alphabet, your girl was reading... and I mean really reading! I wasn't reading some "D is for Dog" junk, I was all about Rainbow Fish and If You Give a Moose a Muffin. Both books were favorites and shaped me into who I am today for obvious reasons. Rainbow Fish is about the most beautiful fish in the sea and the hating ass fish who won't let Rainbow Fish be great. If You Give a Moose a Muffin is about the slippery slope that happens when you try to be nice. I'd rather not give a Moose a damn Muffin if he is gonna want some jam for it, too... feel me? When I finally went to kindergarden, they wanted me to skip ahead a few years cause I was totally ahead of the game. They said that if I didn't skip ahead, everything would become too easy and I'd get bored and slack off. My mom declined, thus turning me into the lazy genius you know today.



In all seriousness, I devoured books like a maniac. I even wore my eyes out and had to get some spectacles! Not that I mind, though. I wouldn't change it for the world, really. I love books so much, it is actually kind of ridiculous. I dragged my mom into Waldenbooks and forced her to buy me a stack of books every weekend. I went crazy at the thrift store buying myself books upon books. Enough was just never enough for me. I am probably a book hoarder, like someone needs to stage an intervention immediately. The good thing is I have great taste when it comes to reading materials. I am not into those shitty self-help books [via being perfect] and I am not into "heartwarming" books, either [too busy having a charmed life]. I am, however, into books like A Little Princess and Weetzie Bat (my autobiographies, duh). My love for books is so intense, that I am even banned from the library because I owe $700! I swear I'm not making it up. I'm a crook4bookz.



The point of this entry is to give yall a heads up about the future. I have finally decided to "get my act together" and put my natural talent to use. I am gonna become a serious writer and most importantly, I'm gonna change lives just like my idols Edward Gorey, Louis Sachar, and Judy Blume. I can't wait til all those assholes who ever tried to put me down have to spend the night outside of a bookstore in the freezing cold while their kids anticipate the release of my newest book. You are allowed to roll your eyes. You are allowed to talk shit. You are allowed to cry when you see my name at the top of the New York Times Bestseller List.



"So, if this does end up being my last letter, please believe that things are good with me, and even when they're not, they will be soon enough. And I will believe the same about you. Love always, Charlie"

EDIT:

Judy Blume emailed me! B)