have mercy.

You know those nights when you come home drunk after doing hoodrat stuff with your friends? Like you still have a tiny bit of party left in you, so you can't go to sleep and instead reach for the remote? If you're anything like me, you start to channel surf and get excited when you see that Family Matters is on! Hellll yeah. Urkel is gonna fuck something up. Eddie is gonna get into some really deep shit. Carl is gonna be so pissed! YES! Maybe if you are lucky it will be one of the Stefan Urquelle episodes or if you're even luckier- one of the crossover ones!



But wait- oh god, no. You sat down on your bed with dinner leftovers, half undressed, still buzzing like bees expecting to laugh and instead you find yourself bawling while that corny dramatic music plays. They've sprung a Serious Episode on you. Fuck!



Hasn't this happened to us all? It always seems to be when you are at your most inebriated, too. You want to watch Fresh Prince, but it's the episode where Carlton wants to buy a fucking gun or the one where they get caught up for Driving While Black. No short jokes about Carlton, no Jazz getting thrown out of the haus, no Uncle Phil flipping out. Just tears. Damn.




Maybe you wanna watch Full Haus! Oh wait... it's the episode where DJ has an eating disorder or the one where DJ and Kimmy Gibbler get trashed at a frat party and at the end they reveal that their Mom was actually killed by a drunk driver. How rude!



Why you gotta do us like that, ABC Family? You too, Nick at Night! You came here for fun! You just wanted to re-live the unrivaled block of programming that was TGIF. Instead, things got heavy... a little too heavy, if you ask me. I don't know whose idea this was, but I feel that they should leave the serious episodes for more appropriate times... like 7 in the morning when I'm still asleep, you know? That way I (and everyone else with a life) can be better equipped at handling that emotional trauma. Like damn, did they really just jump Laura Winslow for her jacket? I can't! Let's just keep it light, okay?