1. BUGS/INSECTS
Spiders are the main offenders. They're so grotesque! I know it's totally cliche, but oh well. I don't even know what their purpose is (aside from terrifying me, obviously). Like, why do they have so many legs? How unnecessary. Not too long ago, a GIANT wild spider [from the deepest darkest jungles of South America probably] invited itself into my bathroom, specifically my sink... while I was brushing my teeth. What kind of world do we live in when an innocent me can't even work on their dental hygiene without a nasty ass bug intruding?! When I tried to kill it, it LEAPED. I'm not kidding, it must have had trampolines for feet cause I have never seen a bug do that. I left my house and refused to come back until someone presented it's body to me. Why would I go camping when there are plenty of bugs hanging around, just waiting for me to fall into their traps? Disgusting. They have tormented me for way too long. I have never hated HD television so much thanks to "Bug Wars", the nastiest show on television at the moment. Do I really need to see a nasty ass beetle up close like that? Nope. Please stop producing these shows! Whoever said spiders are more afraid of us than we are of them is lying like a rug. I mean, I know they aren't going anywhere but the least they could do is wear cute little berets like the spider from James and the Giant Peach to make me feel better.
2. ANIMALS
I'm not an animal person, and that is a MAJOR understatement. People are really sensitive when I tell them that, but damn. I'm not out torturing cats like Jeffrey Dahmer, but to be frank I wouldn't mind if they disappeared off the face of the earth forever. The same goes for any domestic pet, really. Cats are mean as hell, no thank you. My attitude is more than enough. All they do is leave hair everywhere and stare at you like you're dumb. I'll pass. I have always found it bizarre when people said they missed their pets, like for real? People who bring their animals to stores kill me, too. This is not Petco, leave that beast at home! It is really not that serious, you guys. There have only been like 3 dogs in my life that I loved, and that was only because they didn't bark and make a scene. They were disciplined! If I had to choose, I'd get a bulldog because they are big and lazy just like me. I really can't stand small dogs, especially if they are hyper and don't shut the hell up. I need animals to respect my boundaries at all times. Get off me, get away from my food, get my shoes out of your mouth. The same rules apply for babies, the animals I detest the most. I don't want moms catching feelings about their "angels", but let it be known I am not interested in babies at all. I can handle toddlers and grown kids, though. I'm from the hood, so my exposure to real life animals is limited. The closest encounter I have ever had with a bear was when I ate some Teddy Grahams and I intend to keep it that way. Snakes, lions, zebras, and similar creatures can stay out of my life forever, too. The only acceptable animals in my world are cute ones like elephants, flamingos, and swans.
3. THE SUN
I try not to hate on the sun too much, cause it works overtime to keep things running smoothly on my sweet little planet. The sun really has our back when no one else does. The thing is, I've developed a major allergy to the sun. I don't know if it is a by-product of me being an 80s goth or what, cause it wasn't always this way. I used to hang out with my buddies doing all sorts of outdoor activities, but these days I can't be exposed to direct sunlight for longer than a half hour without breaking out in a crazy ass rash. What's going on, sun? When did things go wrong? Maybe my real beef is with heat. I'm not down with heat or it's rude ass brother HUMIDITY. I'd never vacation to a desert with my own money. I just can't function in those conditions. The sun has been pretty disrespectful as of late, though. Surely it has to do with global warming? I'm sorry but I can't live my life without hairspray. I'd die if I had to choose between y'all. If the sun disappeared tomorrow, life as we know it would cease to exist... but a life with a head full of fly-aways is no way to live, either. What a cruel world. As long as I have my SPF 100000 and stunner shades handy, I'm sure we can work something out.
Now, I know I am not BFF with nature and I probably never will be, but nothing is uglier than someone who litters. That is a major pet peeve of mine, and I will always call your nasty ass out. Not to get all hippie on y'all, but have some manners. Please pick up after yourself, don't throw trash in storm drains, and recycle (so you can go on a shopping spree).
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