mad about you.

Anybody who is anybody knows I love Mad Men. After plenty of eye rolls and "That show is so boring" comments, it seems like last season people suddenly had a change of heart and now they LOVE it. Typical! Can't say I'm surprised, though ;)

I love the storyline, I love the music, and of course I love the wardrobe. Everything about this show is great! It makes me want to drink, smoke, and have affairs... all before lunch time. You know, business as usual. Let's be real, though. I'm forever hanging out at the shallow end of the pool, so I'm gonna present yall with a list of my top 3 boyfriends on the show.

#3- Don Draper


The obvious choice! Everybody thinks he is hot, duh. He lived in San Pedro for a while, which is where I've wanted to live since I was a kid. His hair is always on point, he looks like he smells good, AND his entire ensemble is always put together. You know he doesn't discriminate when it comes to the ladies, either. What's not to love? It's like shooting fish in a barrel (whatever that means). Shoulda been me in Rome with him instead of sorry ass Betty, but I digress.



#2- Roger Sterling


I know he is old, but Roger seriously has it going on. It's no secret that I like guys with ugly ass attitudes, so we'd be a perfect match. We have tons of things in common! We both think Joan is hot, we don't give a shit about offending anyone, and we both live our lives "like [we're] on shore leave". He's the ultimate hedonist, too. He has zero regard for anybody and he doesn't even bother remembering people's names. He is so dismissive! He is hilarious, though. Plus he is rich. Truly a match made in heaven.



#1- Paul Kinsey


Paul Kinsey is my baby. If this were real life, I'd be dating Paul. Seriously. My best friend says I always go for "ugly" guys, but I prefer the term Unconventional Looking. Don is too high maintenance for me and I'd probably outlive Roger, so Paul wins this round. He is from Jersey, loves Sci-Fi, and spends most of his time BS-ing at work. I love his sweet baby face, Orson Welles beard and all. He is kind of a pretentious jerk via listening to jazz while wearing a mohair sweater and smoking out of a pipe. He's so pompous that he is PERFECT. I mean, hello? We are obviously soul mates. He is one of those Creative Types, as well. He stole a typewriter from work! I mean, I'm fine with breaking the law if it's in the name of the Arts. I have to say that he stole my heart when he did that Rod Serling impersonation, though. Sigh. Boys that love the Twilight Zone get infinity points from me. Now if only he would come back! Just my luck.


I would also like to add that Pete Campbell's trifling ass didn't make the list, but he would have if I'd based my list on the actor who plays him, Vince Kartheiser. He is so funny on the DVD commentary! I was literally "LOL", not an easy feat considering I am a grinch and avoid smiling/laughing as much as possible. This is due to my general apathy/disdain for others and because it causes wrinkles. Just kidding! Anyway, I'll leave you all with a word of advice. Whenever you find yourself hating your life, remember:

"When God closes a door, he opens a dress."
-Roger Sterling

seaside rendez-brew.

I know it's only January, but before you know it, you'll realize it's already June and SUMMER HAS ARRIVED. People with no grasp on reality will flood your Facebook wall with posts about Hitting The Gym Hard and Watching What They Eat because Summer Is Here. The worst part? Light beer aplenty. I mean really. Luckily for you, we (me) here at BD are gonna tell you how to go about getting that beach body you've always dreamed of without having to sacrifice the nectar of the gods. Nutrition? Who needs it? When has eating ever helped anyone, anyway? Exactly.



It's pretty simple, actually. There is food in beer, so beer IS food. I know liquid diets are "unhealthy" and are usually frowned upon, but don't worry... that is just what jealous people say. Those poor unfortunate souls! In pain. In need. They are also the ones that spread vicious lies like "Beer makes you fat" and "Beauty is only skin deep". The only thing these people are spiking their Haterade with is Malibu Coconut Rum. Why are you friends, again?

Moving on... here are the guidelines. It's 2011, nobody cares about the OLD food guide pyramid. The future is here! It's not really a diet, it's a way of life. Want a six pack via a six pack? Thought so. Let's start from the bottom up or as I like to say... BOTTOMS UP! ;)

Belle Delinquant's Guide to the Modern Beer Belly



Bread, Grain, Cereal and Pasta (6-11 servings)

Pyramid Haywire Hefeweizen.

It's a typical American wheat beer, and I love it. It is simple, it is smooth, and it has pyramids on it which totally reminds me of Cleopatra. Once upon a time, I was @ the Pilsner Urquell beer museum in the Czech Republic and it was confirmed to me that weissbier (wheat beer for all you non germans) is liquid bread, so it's obviously true. The museum told me so.

Fruits and Vegetables (3-5 servings)

Dogfish Head Festina Peche.

Dogfish Head can do no wrong as far as I'm concerned. This is the absolute best peach beer ever brewed on Earth. Nothing like cracking open one of these bad boys to beat the heat. It is light and just a teeny bit tart, but it is delicious! Your copycat friends can drink all those shitty Bud Light Cheladas.

Beans, Eggs, Lean Meat and Fish (2-3 servings)

Flying Fish Exit 1 Bayshore Oyster Stout.

I am not a fan of marine life. If it swims, I don't eat it. Everyone knows this, these are just facts. Imagine my surprise when I was hanging out with a friend and he pulled these out of his fridge. I hate oysters! But I do love a good stout. I know my math isn't that great, but I'm pretty sure this meant I had a 50% chance of loving it. I did.

Dairy Products (2-3 servings)

Milk is so gross! I'm not even gonna bother with this one, so here is a cat drinking Guinness.



Fats and Sweets (use sparingly)

Leinenkugel's Sunset Wheat.

Not really my style, but as someone with virtually no sweet tooth this is where I will group this. It tastes just like Fruity Pebbles, not even kidding! The pyramid says to use this group "sparingly" and I guess that means do it if you must but don't make it a habit. Kind of like wearing flats instead of heels.

No cheating! See ya'll at the Beach!

situation nation.

Happy New Year, ya'll. 2011 is here, aren't you excited? Me neither. While everyone else is busy gearing up to Better Themselves via New Year's Resolutions, I am really just stoked for January 6th. Instead of wasting my time while some asshole bogarts the elliptical at the gym, I'm gonna be lying on my giant bed with the memory foam mattress watching my favorite show on earth... Jersey Shore!


If you think I'm gonna make up some sort of excuse to justify my love for the Shore, you are totally wrong. I have NO SHAME. I even own this shit on DVD, bro. I am serious. Ya'll have no idea how great this show is. Upon further inspection of the situation (hehe), I realized the reason I am so drawn to this show is because I can totally relate. They totally get me. It's like Art is Imitating Life. It's making my head explode, for example:

My Nutrition (via it not existing)



My Difficult Name (via always have to repeat it)



My Love Life (via lack of communication)



Can't wait! If you wanna get drunk (I shore do), you can also feel free to have an MVP Approved JS Drinking Game. This isn't really for you lightweights, though. Ready for the rules, champ? Take a shot of Ron Ron Juice every time:

• there is a shot of Snooki in her slippers
  
• Sammi says "legit"
  
• the Sitch doesn't end up sealing the deal
  
• Pauly D says something adorable
  
• Ronnie does his Chris Farley laugh
  
• J Woww adjusts herself
  
• you confuse Vinny with his Mom
  

As a special bonus, CHUG whenever they are shown completing the GTL trifecta.

Bottoms up, Bitches!

you can stand under my umbrella (but only if you hold it)

There is something amiss in Southern California! It has been raining for the past 2 days and I have had it! I'm supposed to be spending my days rollerblading down the boardwalk at the beach, blasting "California Girls" on my iPod, and overdosing on sunlight. Au contraire, mon frere! My mom started referring to my bedroom as "Dracula's Girlfriend's Room" via my new heavy curtains that make the Outside World (looking out of the window) a thing of the past. Imagine my horror when I checked the weather this morning (online):


h8 u

Someone is out to get me. That someone is Mother Nature (jealous). I'm part time goth, so while I enjoy gloomy weather in general, there is one thing I hate with a passion: RAIN!


the only "rain" i like

How can anybody really enjoy this stuff? It is seriously Clashing With My Lifestyle. I mean, a little rain now and then is okay, but when did I move to Seattle? I am so tired of the rain hating on me.



For the past two days I have had to give my flat iron a break and wear my hair CURLY.


my true self

I can't wear heels in the rain via slipping and losing teeth (not chic). The forecast says it will be raining for the next FOUR DAYS. I don't own rain-appropriate footwear cause it is ugly and it isn't supposed to rain here, ever. ugh I'm not a meteorologist. I am not a Doppler 7000. I am not Dallas Raines. Please don't force me to buy some of these:


fate worse than death

I have no business Braving The Weather. I don't want to do something mundane like hold an umbrella. The only thing I ever want to hold is my purse, my cell phone, or a drink. Where is Fonzworth Bentley when I really need him? I am in distress. 911, yall. Plz send help.



I can't party if I have ugly hair and have to wear closed-toe flat shoes and hold an umbrella. Nobody will recognize me. My life will be over. Why is life so unfair? I am this close to making a deal with God or the Devil (whichever listens to me first) to put an END to this.


we hardly knew ye

orange juice, whiskey, and a whole lotta twinkies.

There comes a day in every girl's life when she realizes that her Knight in Shining Armor is really a Scrub in Nickel Plated Silver. Sooner or later That Girl will be YOU. You told yourself that if you treated him right, he'd be with you forever. WELL GUESS WHAT? NOTHING LASTS FOREVER. Well, except for diamonds... and diamonds would never break up with you. Suddenly, going to Disneyland isn't fun anymore cause all of these asshole couples are being stupid (via holding hands), making out (get a room), and wearing wedding ears (hate yall).


stupidest place on earth


They say "time heals all wounds" but They never said what to do in the meantime. Well, a wise person once said "Help is on the way!" and okay, that person may or may not be Mrs. Doubtfire, but regardless! Help is here! I present to you the

Belle Delinquant Break Up Guide!

In this photo are all of the things you need to participate:


(broken heart, 12 pack of Guinness, bleak outlook on life)

1. Take your makeup off
Because the only thing uglier than a face without makeup is a face with SMEARED makeup (see step 3)

2. Drink entire 12 pack of Guinness
You'll thank me later. Let's not overdo it, though. One (1) 12 pack is enough. If you still feel, replace Guinness with Rum and (diet)Coke (you want to get drunk, not fat). Repeat until you are numb, and then proceed.

3. Play all of your songs.
Yeah, you know exactly what I mean. Hey, don't give me that look! I'm the expert. Play the song that reminds you of you guys' first date, the song that played as you had your first kiss, and the songs you always listened to cause his lazy ass never rotated the CDs in his car. You'll turn into a crying/drunken mess and you will totally realize how much your NEW FRIENDS (via iTunes) know about Your Situation. I mean, Frankie Lymon was totally right (why DO fools fall in love? tell me whyyyyy!). You'll tearfully agree with Neil Sedaka in between sobs (breaking up IS hard to do!). You will start to look like Forever Alone as you sing along with the Everly Brothers (bye bye, love! bye bye, happiness! oh god, hello, loneliness). The point is to allow you to wallow in your misery for a little while. That way you won't feel like your iPod is out to get you later on when it (rudely) decides to play the "Belle & Beau Delinquant's Greatest Hits" playlist.

4. Hit the town with your friends
Because, honestly, there are only so many times you can really play "Everybody Hurts" by REM without wanting to jump off a cliff. Plan a fun night out with your friends! Don't be an asshole and say "a frown" when they ask you what you will be wearing. Put on your big girl shoes (heels), make yourself presentable, and go out for dancing & drinks. Cue a montage of you having a great time while "Girls Just Wanna Fun" plays in the background. Life is fun again! You'll feel shitty when you get home but how you feel RIGHT NOW is what matters... keep busy! Go thrift shopping, write a blog (cough), or have a Mad Men night with your bff... anything to cheer you up! Eventually the good times will outnumber the bad. Plus, nobody with a heartbeat ever gets tired of hearing "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun".

5. Don't get gross
I know "the club can't even handle [you] right now". Really, I do. You are getting tons of attention and it's making you feel like you're on top of the world. DO NOT LISTEN TO USHER! Don't even think about how much you want to "make love in this club". You're supposed to be building up your self-esteem, not turning into a dirtbag. You'll only feel worse about yourself later. The only void you should be trying to fill is the number of heels you own. I know people say the best way of getting over someone is getting under someone else but that's kinda crude and ugly and y'all truly deserve better.

6. Build a bridge
Get over it! At this point, you should be able to let it go. Accept that it's over! When you are really ready to move forward, jump into the dating pool. Before long, someone totally hot will be sexting you at work and your ex-beau will be but a distant memory. I mean, maybe he'll see you at a movie (sneak preview). You'll show up and walk by on the arm of your new guy. And he'll smile! And you'll wave! And guess what? Everything will actually be okay! Go on and give your perfect new beau a kiss... but not in front of your ex, have some decorum! That is so desperate. Give yourself a pat on the back! Look how far you've come! You're the king of the world! WOOOOOOO!

the vice is right.

Some people have an addictive personality, and by "some people" I mean me. Don't get me wrong, I'm not gonna be on Intervention any time soon. I have a lot of junk but I won't be on Hoarders just yet. I have a different type of addiction: game shows! Specifically, The Price is Right.



What's not to love, honestly? I forgot this show existed up until the other day when I couldn't find my remote control. I was instantly taken back to those days when I would pretend to be sick so I could stay home from school. Summer vacations? Bob Barker was always there to have breakfast with me.

Now, I know there is nothing cool about game shows. At all. Really. But if loving TPIR is wrong, I don't wanna be right. Sometimes, I imagine turning into the mom in Requiem For a Dream. Visions of being cracked out wearing a red dress and shouting "ONE DOLLAR!" dance through my head. But then, like clockwork, it's 10 o'clock and the theme comes on. Now, the host is Drew Carey who everyone thinks is a bad replacement but I love him. He doesn't hide his emotions when people bid stupid amounts. If I were hosting, they'd be in big trouble.

Still, I can't help but get excited when people in their novelty t-shirts flip their shit when they get called down to Contestant's Row. It's like looking into the face of AMERICA. and god, America is just divine. Yeah sometimes the prize is something dumb like a living room furniture set. I mean, who even needs furniture, am I right? Whatevz. But sometimes, SOMETIMES, they pull back the curtain to reveal "A NEW CAAAR" and everyone goes wild. It's so awesome! Personally, I have a Fear of Drivers so a car is useless to me. I really get excited when they win trips. Domestic traveling is lame, so I never get excited about trips to like, Florida. I mean, what's there to do in Florida, anyway? Snooooze. I go crazy when they win a trip to Morocco! Ireland! EGYPT! It's like they just spun a globe and picked any place. I would start to do the Worm if I won, srsly.

Anyway, for those of you not familiar with the show, the contestants go on to guess the prices on things like TVs and lawn furniture. Easy enough, right? They then go on to play a mini game for a bigger prize like A NEW CAAAR or a Jetski or something crazy. They make you guess the price of shit like Kleenex, cat food, and mustard. I don't know where they get these crazy prices or these random ass items but it's still fun to guess along. I love when they win, but I love when they lose even more. I know, I know. But I always either hate a contestant or love them. Nothing is more satisfying than seeing the douche who overbid the previous person's amount by $1 lose. BITCH MOVE! and instant justice. Every time they play those "losing" horns a little piece of my soul breaks off and flutters to Heaven's Gate.

The Price is Right Losing Horns sound clip  The Price is Right - Losing Horn - sound clips

After this they spin the wheel and go to the Showcase Showdown which is the best part of it all. Some people are so clueless it almost hurts. Nothing cheers me up more than seeing someone who is truly excited to be there win it all. It's such a great way to start the morning! They also have themed episodes which is right up my alley. They aired a Halloween themed episode the other day and they were all dressed up as characters from the Wizard of Oz! So great.




My boyfriend got us tickets to the show the other day, so prepare to see me on TPIR in the not too distant future. I will be the one in a corny ass shirt, raven mane, and red lips doing the worm as I make my way to the front. Yes, I will freak the fuck out when the prize is a trip to Switzerland. And yes, I will lose it all because I don't know how much hair gel costs (what is this, Jersey Shore?)

Come on down!

what's in a mane?

It has happened to all of us. One night, while a full moon is out and a heavy fog rolls down your street, you grow so bored you find yourself reaching for the scissors. "How bad can I mess my hair up?" you ask yourself. Idle hands are truly the devil's playground! Next thing you know, you look like a Cynthia doll.



UGH! You find yourself cursing those useless Scientists wasting their time on Dumb Stuff and not focusing on more Important Things like a time machine. If only you could go from Urkel to Stephan! Life is just so unfair. Stupid scissors. Well have no fear! You could always play crazy and just buzz it off like B.Spears running around beating on cars til your hair grows out. You could throw on a fabulously fake wig like my fave lush, Kim Zolciak, and walk around with a wineglass in your paws. If neither option works for you, you can be like me and just OWN it. I call it the I Don't Give a Fuck look. Some call this confidence, whatever. I like my term better. Maybe this comes from my days of being a DIY hooligan. Why spend money on a haircut when you could totally score a rad dress at the Salvation Army instead?

Sometimes I ended up with a great haircut. Blue birds would pick out my clothes for me! People would stop me in street! Babies would smile at me! But most of the time I'd end up with an atrocious 'do that was too short, too uneven, too awful. Throw in those bright colors and you'd take that mess to the next level! But I, always the Cool Guy, would just laugh it off. "It's just hair!" I'd exclaim, rolling my eyes. It worked! There was that time when the power went out while my hair was covered in bleach/aluminum foil and I finished by candlelight. There was that time when I decided I needed flamingo pink hair and went from black to pink overnight, bleaching my hair 5 times. There was that time I tried to play colorist and mixed blue and red dyes, thinking I'd get the perfect purple and ended up looking like a Troll doll with gray hair.

Every time this type of stuff happened I just shrugged it off by saying "It's just hair!" til I finally started to believe it. There are more important things to fret over. Cut your bangs too short? Wear a headband. Bad dye job? Wear a hat. Shitty haircut overall? Say it was a dare. It's not the end of the world. Own it! Now where are those scissors?