tales of a fourth grade nothing.

There is one thing I love more than anything in the world. It's a 4 letter word that begins with the letter B! It helps me wind down after a stressful day, it takes me away to a better place, and it allows me to meet people I never thought I would. Can you guess what it is? Alright, assholes... I know I'm an alcoholic, but the word I am thinking of is BOOK!



I know it's hard to grasp the concept of someone being both a total genius and being so cool it should be illegal. Well, there's a first time for everything. The future is here! I am a total bookworm. Always have been, always will be. I even had my heart set on being a Librarian... until my Mom decided I should reconsider via being "too pretty to be hiding behind piles of dusty old books all day". Truth!



While most kids were still eating their boogers and learning the alphabet, your girl was reading... and I mean really reading! I wasn't reading some "D is for Dog" junk, I was all about Rainbow Fish and If You Give a Moose a Muffin. Both books were favorites and shaped me into who I am today for obvious reasons. Rainbow Fish is about the most beautiful fish in the sea and the hating ass fish who won't let Rainbow Fish be great. If You Give a Moose a Muffin is about the slippery slope that happens when you try to be nice. I'd rather not give a Moose a damn Muffin if he is gonna want some jam for it, too... feel me? When I finally went to kindergarden, they wanted me to skip ahead a few years cause I was totally ahead of the game. They said that if I didn't skip ahead, everything would become too easy and I'd get bored and slack off. My mom declined, thus turning me into the lazy genius you know today.



In all seriousness, I devoured books like a maniac. I even wore my eyes out and had to get some spectacles! Not that I mind, though. I wouldn't change it for the world, really. I love books so much, it is actually kind of ridiculous. I dragged my mom into Waldenbooks and forced her to buy me a stack of books every weekend. I went crazy at the thrift store buying myself books upon books. Enough was just never enough for me. I am probably a book hoarder, like someone needs to stage an intervention immediately. The good thing is I have great taste when it comes to reading materials. I am not into those shitty self-help books [via being perfect] and I am not into "heartwarming" books, either [too busy having a charmed life]. I am, however, into books like A Little Princess and Weetzie Bat (my autobiographies, duh). My love for books is so intense, that I am even banned from the library because I owe $700! I swear I'm not making it up. I'm a crook4bookz.



The point of this entry is to give yall a heads up about the future. I have finally decided to "get my act together" and put my natural talent to use. I am gonna become a serious writer and most importantly, I'm gonna change lives just like my idols Edward Gorey, Louis Sachar, and Judy Blume. I can't wait til all those assholes who ever tried to put me down have to spend the night outside of a bookstore in the freezing cold while their kids anticipate the release of my newest book. You are allowed to roll your eyes. You are allowed to talk shit. You are allowed to cry when you see my name at the top of the New York Times Bestseller List.



"So, if this does end up being my last letter, please believe that things are good with me, and even when they're not, they will be soon enough. And I will believe the same about you. Love always, Charlie"

EDIT:

Judy Blume emailed me! B)

my fresh and independent legend in black.

Everyone has something they don't wanna love but really, really do no matter how hard they try to fight it. For some, it's playing Viva Pinata when no one's around, while others watch those vapid Kardashians on TV til their eyes dry out. For me, it's Willard Christopher Smith.



My love affair began a long time ago with the Fresh Prince of Bel Air. He was so cute with his dumb ass shenanigans! I was always down to tune in and watch him talk shit to Carlton, piss Uncle Phil off, and give Ashley great advice. We had some great times back then, I wasn't even trippin when he made out with Tyra and Nia Long. I just can't be mad at someone who's swag is through the roof, guys.



After that, he branched out onto the BIG SCREEN. Bad Boys, Independence Day, and Men in Black were instant classics. The he got kinda weird and did Wild Wild West, Bagger Vance, and Hitch. What the fuck, Will? If it weren't for his performance in Ali, I would have had to break up with him. But he knew just how to reel me back in. He went ahead and did The Pursuit of Happiness, I Am Legend, and Seven Pounds! Damn, Will. Thanks for making me open up the waterworks for the very first time this Willenium (hehe). Will is just the perfect man to have around! He can fight aliens, he will stop at nothing to find a job, and he can come up with a cure to save humanity after a virus kills damn near everybody. He even looks good as a fucking fish, yall!



People always wanna clown my sweet prince about his music career. Not me! I love his clean raps. Miami is the fucking cut! You are a liar if you say it doesn't make you wanna sip grown people drinks on a beach to beat the heat. Getting Jiggy With It had the best dance moves ever and the video had Will in the finest metallic threads available to man. The best song? It's obviously Just The Two of Us. We could make it if we tried, Will! Just putting it out there. Truly the sweetest song to ever grace my ears. I still listen to it, I'm not even gonna front. Perfection.



As if he wasn't heavenly enough, his family is fucking amazing. Jada is adorable, guys. I'm not even hating. They named their kids JADEN and WILLOW. How fucking narcissistic/perfect is that? I wish I was part of their family, but I'd get kicked out with a quickness cause I have no talent. C'est la vie!



He is the embodiment of all that is good in the world. I am pretty sure he is the best actor of our generation, and you can quote me on that! I will never miss any of his movies for as long as I live. There have only been 2 people in my life that I confided in about my love for Will. All of that has changed! Guess my secret is finally out, huh?



...Or not! B)

lifestyles of the rich & blasphemous.

The other night, I was hanging out in my cave watching Haus Hunters International, eating pizza, and drinking a frosty brew. You know, doing me to the most. The people on Haus Hunters were looking for a haus in some irrelevant place I never want stamping my passport anyway, so I changed the channel and got the news that you can now confess via iPhone. There is literally "an app for that". So I thought to myself [Carrie Bradshaw], just how bad are you? I mean... I always claim to be a scumbag, but I never really thought to list my accolades. Guys. GUYS. GUYS. I have some seriously questionable morals sometimes but upon further inspection I have done some really messed up things to people. Townspeople should be coming after me with pitchforks for some of the stunts I've pulled. I'm a monster. I'm an ogre. I'm a Khloe Kardashian. What if I died tomorrow? I'd feel so sorry for everyone waiting in line behind me "at the pearly gates" while I tried to justify my shenanigans. It was time for me to get serious about CONFESSIONS.



I am not religious, but I was "raised Catholic". Anyway, religion is boring and I don't really care one way or another, so it's a non issue. However, last year I kinda thought about confessing my sins~ I was in Italy yall, can you blame me? I don't wanna bust a Jamie Foxx and Blame It On the Alcohol but I'd literally been drinking nonstop since we departed LAX, I'd been gallivanting all over Europe actin a fool, and I was surrounded by gigantic cathedrals aka the Cadillacs of churches. I couldn't help it, guys. To quote the great poet Usher Raymond IV- I got "caught up".



It had been a really long time since I stepped foot in a church, so I was hoping I wouldn't get struck down or burst into flames. Once I was safely inside, I started scoping people out to see what they did. I felt like a Corleone! Shit got real. I thought about how happy my Mom would be to know I went to church. I decided to go all out. I lit a candle, put it on a table, and pretended to pray. I found a giant bowl of holy water, stuck my hands in there, and splashed them around for a sec. I was really feeling this whole Being Catholic thing, so I decided to buy a rosary. I collect rosaries, by the way. THOUGHT YALL KNEW. The church had a gift shop inside so as I made my way over there, I came across the most amazing confession booth I have ever laid eyes on. I was gonna leave my hooligan lifestyle behind. I was gonna be a new ME. It was time to repent!



I thought about how great it would be to wipe my slate clean but the thing about confessing is I hate being put on blast, you know? I am essentially being put on the spot by the Priest to spill all the details of my greatest hits. What if he made me recite a prayer or something? I was new to the game! I mean I had my phone, but international roaming is crazy expensive so it's not like I could google the prayers or whatever. Apparently, my (filthy) soul is dry clean only and I couldn't afford to be lavish anymore. I thought about my choices. We were hitting up Prague the next day to do a pub crawl. Why spend precious beer money confessing TODAY if I was gonna wild out the next night, anyway? What was the point? I know Jesus is an excellent host since he wants me to drink wine and eat wheat thins at his haus and all, but the exchange rate really wasn't favorable at all! So, being the heathen that I am, I put my sunglasses on and bounced.

Fast forward 10 months later, and I guess Jesus tried to come correct and join us in the 21st century. Surprisingly (eye roll), the Vatican announced they weren't cool with this app and that you still had to come to church like people in the last millenium did. Plus, the app is $2, and as my friend pointed out- "That's two tall cans!". Glad I have the wisdom of my friends to put shit in perspective. It's just too bad I've decided to keep those trifling debacles to myself, they were juicy! Until next time...

cancers 4 dummies.

Today I am gonna tell yall about the best sign in the entire Zodiac: mine. For those of you don't know my birthday [crickets], I am a Cancer. I feel sorry for people whose sign is like, Taurus, cause I mean... I don't even KNOW where a Taurus fits in the Zodiac. I don't think I have ever met anyone who was a Taurus. Do they even exist? What are their traits? Does anyone even care?



Cancers are notoriously moody. We can't help it! To quote Monsters, Inc.-- "We scare because we care." We are emotional as hell but rarely show it, we'd rather take our battitude elsewhere and ignore you. We are sulky and brooding by nature. Don't get frustrated! We are fiercely loyal, so we will never hurt you. Just be patient, cause we are totally worth it. Sound complicated? Duh. Most astrology websites don't even make sense when it comes to filling you in on zodiac signs. That's why you need an expert (me) to give you a hand.



Belle Delinquant's Guide to CANCERS!

You'll be navigating your way through our mood swings in no time! Any sailor knows that the sea can change instantly with a fierce storm or waves that can flip your boat right over. If you do all the prep work to prepare and don’t panic, you can survive the worst of storms. That's how the cookie crumbles with the Cancer Woman! Dead men tell no tales?



They say:
"Cancer is the home and family lover of the zodiac. Fundamentally home-loving by nature, Cancers appreciate the security of a nest in which to retire when the stresses of life become too much to bear."

Translation:
We are homebodies. Can we hang out at your house?



They say:
"Cancerians are very intuitive, almost to the point of being psychic. They are able to spot even the smallest change in another's behaviour, so it is hard to deceive them. They are very insightful and most have a photographic memory. The combination of these two skills plus their excellent observation skills makes them very aware of the ulterior motives of others."

Translation:
Don't you dare try to pull a fast one on us. We can read you like the backs of our hands! We can spot a fraud from a mile away. We may not show it, but we have our eye on you and we will call you out on your shenanigans if you get out of line.



They say:
"A Cancer woman will never make the first moves in a relationship; she only knows how to move backwards or sideways. This is because of two reasons, her shyness and her fear of being rejected."

Translation:
Have you ever seen a crab walk? Me neither, but according to Google they only move backwards and sideways. This is because we really hate rejection, so we will never be upfront about our feelings...ever. We approach the things we want in an indirect way. You have to be the one to figure it out.



They say:
"Many Cancers have an interest in the ancient past as well as their own pasts. They indulge in nostalgia, which makes them good historians. Paradoxically combining a love of travel with a deep need for security, Cancers surround themselves with sentimental objects from their past, including souvenirs, hand-me-downs and keepsakes. Cancerians are remarkably good at accumulating things."

Translation:
We are Hoarders. We attach sentimental value to everything and we will refuse to throw it out. We love stuff!




They say:
"This sensitive sign needs to retreat into its shell somewhere safe from the rest of the world. They are so much like a real crab – hard on the outside and super soft on the inside. You won’t know you’ve hurt them because you’ll think it’s bounced off their shell – it didn’t. They absorb everything and forget nothing, they just won’t tell you."

Translation:
Don't be an asshole, cause we are resentful like you wouldn't believe and we really will hold it against you... FOREVER.



They say:
"Cancers are romantic idealists. If you want fairy tales, you need a crab. Only a Cancer can make it happen for you! Most crabs give love freely without expecting much (of course, learning to handle their extreme sensitivity is the toughest task to overcome). The persistent flaw in their relationships is their inability to open up and their tendency to withdraw into themselves. As much as this sign loves to nurture, tend, and care for others, they hate to be vulnerable. They resist this with all their might until they just can’t resist any more. It’s the paradox of Cancer. Once they do fall for you, it’s over. Despite the fact they tend to push you away more than pull you in sometimes, their claws have dug in deep. They just can’t risk being vulnerable until they know they have a solid grip on you."

Translation:
We are total creeps. We love love. Nothing makes us happier than showering our mate with attention. We love to baby others but we have a tendency to overdo it. Woops. Regardless, we are hopeless romantics! Hearts for eyes, indeed. Just don't break our hearts, jerks.

valentine's day [reputation] massacre.

Lately, I've been glued to the Hallmark Channel because they play 2-hour blocks of the Golden Girls. As much as I love tuning in to see Blanche's shenanigans, this post is actually about the pesky little heart on the bottom left corner of my TV screen reminding me that Valentine's Day is only 11 days away.


I know I am probably breaking Girl Code, but I have a confession: I really hate Valentine's Day. I'm not a bitter loser-- I have never actually been dateless on Valentine's Day and this year is no exception, but to me it's really a day to talk about how much I love my friends. I have no idea what it's like to be at home crying into a pint of ice cream while the entire world gets laid- I can't relate. Maybe I am just blasé because it's something that has become so routine it's not even exciting anymore, like how I always take a guy I'm seeing to Fern's in Long Beach or on a Disneyland date. To quote Ursula from the Little Mermaid, "That's what I do- it's what I live for."

Don't get me wrong, I'm a mondo hopeless romantic. I love love, sincerely. It's just that I find this tired ass "holiday" so dumb! Valentine's Day only mattered in Elementary school, anyway. It's when your got your Mom to buy the corniest cards for all those kids you hated in your class. Your teacher gave everyone cupcakes while you sat around exchanging valentines. You spent the entire day eating candy, making hearts out of construction paper, and peeling glue off of your hands. Those were the days! In middle school, countless cholos turned to their little sister's Precious Moments coloring books and Art Laboe's Dedicated to You radio broadcast for inspiration. The day was spent handing out awkwardly traced Precious Moments drawings with things like "I'm Your Puppet" scrawled across the top in Old English handwriting. You'd catch a scam (or two) and call it a day. High School, ugh. Now that's when it became obnoxious. Every guy woke up extra early to make sure their outfit was fresh, doused themselves with Drakkard Noir, and went on a search to find the most gigantic teddy bear in existence. Carson High was inexplicably obsessed with those dumb ass Teddy/Candy Grams, so every single class was interrupted to hand out hordes of ugly stuffed animals and chocolate boxes to squealing douche bags. I was always too cool for that kind of stuff, and I forbid my then boyfriend to ever humiliate me with one of those.




I hate whoever came up with "Single Awareness Day". That's the dumbest thing I have ever heard in my entire life. Stop feeling sorry for yourself, it's probably the reason you are alone to begin with. Oh, and please don't throw a Pity Singles Party with all of your depressed friends, it's so pathetic. Who told yall this would be a good idea? Regina George? It's only as big a deal as you make it. No reason to be sad cause you're lonely like Akon. The truth is, being single is rad.



If you really wanna show me you care, plan a romantic Valentine's Day evening for us at your haus! I'm not hard to please at all. Make me dinner, buy me a 40, play all of my favorite Luther Vandross songs...the possibilities really are endless. Save your money! You're gonna need it for my birthday (when it really matters).